Fighting for my life

fighting  present participle of fight (Verb)

Verb Take part in a violent struggle involving the exchange of physical blows or the use of weapons. Engage in (a war or battle).

So today was a perfect Saturday - started the day bright and early reading, working out, cooking and spending time with loved ones. I even got to go for a stroll in my neighbourhood along the waterfront and end the day with an epsom salt bath. It was a peaceful day that reminded me that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. And how different things were only a few short months ago.

I know what you're thinking - there's no point during today's day that was violent or involved physical blows or use of weapons. Thu, why are you wasting my precious attention span making me jealous of your relaxing day? Where's the fighting? Get to the point.

Ok, please read on :)

Six months ago, I was a mess. Obese, Diabetic, Depressed, Excessive Drug/Alcohol use, Broke, Unemployed, Angry and Lost. I was in a dark place and it was a spiralling mess that I didn't know how to get out of. My body had taken a beating from my actions over the past ten years and reacted in all ways to tell me that it wasn't going to tolerate anything else. (Diabetes, severe Menorrhagia and Endometrial Hyperplasia though I didn't know any of it at the time). I had walked the line with health years ago but my rocky unstable life as an entrepreneur in the past three years really didn't help my health in any way.  Thinking about this phase of my life still brings me to tears.

It all changed when I met a friend who had it worse than me. He introduced me to this concept of there's nothing that's definitively good or bad which really went against my lifelong hedonist view - that I valued and searched for pleasure (delicious food, laughs and fun) because I thought that was what was intrinsically good. Suffering and pain and happiness and love all happens; it's not good or bad. You need one to appreciate the other and that you just have to accept both. He became my teacher, guide and confidant as we worked on a mini project together. He introduced me to Deepak Chopra and Wayne Dyer and this whole world of self help, self awareness that I used to dismiss and scoff at.

By chance, he accompanied me one day to meet a random acquaintance from school who became a Naturopath and had just returned from Pakistan to set up her practice here. Having only been introduced to spirituality recently my mind was blown as the conversation spanned spiritual and supernatural experiences and learnings that they both had in their worldly travels. It was the first candid conversation where I was assured that reincarnation is true, that there was a shared field of consciousness in the universe, and that pharmaceutical drugs were not the only way to treat ailments. She became my doctor shortly after.

About the same time I landed my dream job combining all the skills and experiences I've ever had plus my interests. Funny enough, Deepak Chopra ran a 21 day meditation challenge that started on my first day of work and ended on my birthday. I had never meditated before and the theme was Creating Abundance - the timing couldn't have been more perfect.

What I had written off as random events I later learned was called Synchrodestiny - that the universe heard my cry for help and sent me a teacher and healer that I desperately needed as my guides and a career path that allowed me to support myself and afford the healing that I needed. My guardians were my triangle of support and love - and we called ourselves Team Doprah. This has been instrumental to the past six months of transformation.

Funny how things work out - the second 21-day meditation challenge with Oprah and Deepak called Perfect Health started the weekend that my gynecologist recommended a hysterectomy based on the results of my biopsies. It's been a struggle to come to terms with the risks I'm dealing with and the fate that could be mine. On the positive side, the timing couldn't be any better as each day's meditation is showing me that I'm taking steps in the right direction (or somehow my naturopath has been conversing with Oprah and Deepak what lessons to focus my attention on everyday :)

Right now I am in an all out war and fight for my life. I'm trying to break the cycles of bad habits and self abuse and disconnect between my mind and body as I dig deep and understand myself. My motivation is to get rid of diabetes and cancer for good. I really don't think I should pass away before my parents or grandparents. I absolutely love life and everything it has to offer - it's not time to go yet. I'm going to give it my best shot, trying to not have attachment to the outcome - just making sure that I make the best of every waking moment.

I now realize it, that unlike buying cars, you only get one body as a vehicle in this lifetime. There's no trade-in, there's no leaving it at the junk yard after it gets totalled to buy a brand new one. Your body gets manufactured in your mother and you keep the same one your entire life. The good news is, as I've recently learned, that each organ and cell in your body does regenerate and grow and have its ways of healing (if you cooperate), so you do get facelifts and repairs as time goes on - but at the core of it, you can't trade in your body for another. So treasure it - like a temple that holds your spirit. Without a healthy body, it's like a broken car that can't really take you anywhere that your mind and spirit want to go nor safely give any passengers a lift to where they need to go. The only person you can transform is yourself.

I wanted to describe my day to show you that fighting doesn't have to be painful or violent. It's carving out time to yourself to do what is most important to your mind and body. Easter and the start of spring, to me, signify transformation and I'm grateful to say the least about the turn of events.

I'm grateful for all the support so far for my fight. Thank you for continuing to read my long posts and giving me such unconditional love and support. It's become clearer to me that the only reason I've survived this long is because of my strong supportive relationships, as Deepak and Oprah spoke about this week:

We are social creatures, who thrive in community. Connecting with one another allows us to express our most heartfelt hopes and dreams and be of service to one another. Our supportive relationships enhance the positive messages we send our bodies each day and invite better health and wellbeing into our lives. Take a moment to be grateful for the many individuals who contribute to your life and in whose lives you make a difference.

What has transpired and still unfolding can't be captured in just one blog post but at least it's a start. It's great that in this upcoming month, both Deepak Chopra and Oprah are coming to Toronto. I'm tempted to use the word random and luck - but I know there's no such thing. I don't think they know how significant their meditation challenge has had on my transformation hope to have an opportunity to thank them in person. This time I'm hoping the universe reads blogs ;)

Namaste.

Milestone Accomplished: Goodbye Diabetes!

So, it happened - back in November, my blood test absolutely confirmed that I had slipped deeply from pre-diabetes from years ago to full on diabetes. To me, it was upsetting that I had been given warning years ago that I was teetering on being insulin resistant and now I landed smack in the thick of trouble - having gained back significant weight and adopting a very unhealthy lifestyle. When the doctor told me the news, he then proceeded to tell me to eat less sugar, to eat whole wheat and to cut down on the sugar in the coffee. He then proceeded to tell me..."Well dear, if these rules are too hard to remember...let me prescribe some pills and then you can eat whatever you'd like. You also need to get a machine to prick your finger. Get used to it, diabetes is for life."

The words really struck a chord with me. It wasn't one of grief or sadness that I had a chronic disease. It was of anger at the doctor in front of me. Luckily I've been trying all kinds of diets and reading all about diabetes for the past 4 years....enough to know that without a doubt, diabetes can be reversed with diligent healthy eating, working out and adequate sleep. No it's definitely not easy to change your routine...but it is possible. And here, was a professional...an M.D. telling me not to worry, I can keep doing whatever I was doing as long as I took Metformin and monitor my blood sugar everyday. Lucky me, for a brief moment I considered what a great blessing that was, to be able to eat McDonalds everyday with a pill...well I guess until I had heart problems or developed cancer or died early. On second thought...what is behind door #2?

After politely ignoring these prescriptions, I proceeded to improve my life. First is understanding exactly the problem and involving the right people to help me understand the root causes. There were so many things wrong with me cumulatively, I didn't know where to start so I tried out multiple things. I started going to Good Life Fitness classes almost everyday and getting friends to go along. I started understanding myself holistically with the help of my awesome N.D. I started cooking. I started self reflecting and working through all skeletons in my closet. I stopped smoking. I stopped drinking. I started spending time with myself, listening to myself for guidance on what would cure me. I started doing what was important for me. I started living my life.

I was determined that diabetes as a chronic lifetime disease was complete bullsh*t. When I talked to other diabetics on Metformin (while watching them eat big bowls of carbs) they told me, don't be silly and hopeful, diabetes can't be cured - it made my blood boil. And even gave me more determination.

Just sit here and wait til diabetes makes me go blind or lose limbs one day?  No thank you. You know, if the current trends continue, 1 in 3 US adults will have diabetes by 2050 (and exactly the same trend in Canada). A person with diabetes has about twice the risk of dying on any given day as a person of similar age without diabetes. Lovely. Think about that for a second. Let's assume you're the most antisocial person in the world, and you could count on your fingers how many people you knew and cared about. Yes you probably care about at least 2 people...and one of you will have diabetes...for life.

Count me out.

Another lovely doctor kept writing prescriptions for Metformin and called me stupid for being so idealistic. Apparently my body was past the point of normal and that its broken, it needed drugs to regulate the sugar. Nice try.

So okay don't get me wrong, if I was diagnosed later in life where I wasn't able to go to the gym at least 3 times a week and walk and run. Ok sure, maybe some drugs will help as a last resort. But going to the gym classes are fun! And physical activity actually uses some of that energy from all the fat that you're carrying around. Our body wants to survive and has so many built in mechanisms to heal. Why not make use of it? And yes, I'm just talking about Type 2 Diabetes - the resistance to insulin. Not being able to make insulin (Type 1) requires drugs.

Anyway, 3 months later, I took another blood test. Guess what?
My fasting blood sugar is normal. It's not even close to pre-diabetes. Yes, you heard right, I don't have diabetes! 

Thank goodness :) Now the next milestone is staying in the clear for a year. then two, then three. A little stubbornness, listening to your gut...and most importantly following through are keys to success. Having a supportive community around you helps as well.

But I'm not gonna lie, the most important part of reversing health problems is to be completely open and honest with yourself - to dig deep and find the real root problems, truly listen, learn all you can,...then set clear, measurable goals to dig yourself out of the mess and stick to them. Be humble, this means admitting that you really f*ked up and made some bad choices in the past. It's okay, it's not too late to start over. Forgive yourself. I'm a firm believer that if you don't attack and resolve the root problems, those problems will come back and attack your body in multiple ways...at any time. My focus has been and continues to be my health and peace of mind. Nothing else really matters. And gosh, the positive reinforcement that the recent blood test has given me is great.

Which chronic disease or terminal illness or virus will I have to fight next? Hopefully they take the hint and forfeit soon. Between my Paleo recipes and new juicer in my kitchen I'm ready to fight for my life.

And genuinely, friends, Thank You for your support!

Update: I found this article which echos my opinions:

Experts hesitate to talk about "curing" diabetes, given the medical complications it can cause that will require lifelong monitoring. But the American Diabetes Association says that maintaining normal blood sugar without medication for at least a year could be considered a "complete remission."

It's not a message you hear very often if your information about type 2 diabetes comes mainly from TV commercials for the devices and medications used to manage the disease. Diabetes is a big business, worth tens of billions of dollars to the health care system and the pharmaceutical companies that hold the patents on those devices and medications.

Another reason you don't hear about remission is it takes a great deal of effort. Even the health care system seems content to prescribe complex lifelong treatment regimens instead of equipping people with the tools they need to effectively manage type 2 diabetes, possibly reverse the disease or, best of all, avoid it completely.

... 

Don't be fooled: Diabetes kills. And maims. This year alone it will kill 3.2 million people worldwide. It's the seventh leading cause of death in the United States. As many as 80 percent of people with diabetes will die from heart attack or stroke. Half will likely experience damage to the nerves in their limbs. Diabetic foot disease, caused by changes in blood vessels and nerves, often leads to ulceration and eventual amputation. In fact, diabetes is the leading cause of non-traumatic lower-limb amputation. Ditto for kidney failure. One of every 50 people with diabetes will become blind within 15 years.

...

"It starts with nutrition," said Spollett.

Abundance

I've never been one to care about material possession - I lived out of my suitcase over the past few years. I've always thought I could just survive with the bare essentials. And yes, I did survive...but why just aim to survive? My new aim is to build a strong foundation to be able to make a difference. To be able to help others reach their goals. It's funny, the paradox that I've been grasping, is that in order to help others, you need to help yourself first. So that's what I'm doing right now, helping my physical body get into tip top shape, feeding my mind of challenges and learning new things, and helping my soul build its spirituality and tap into higher consciousness.

I know that when I did Deepak Chopras 21 day abundance meditation in November, I didn't even know what abundance was (nor did I know how to meditate). I thought it was a bad thing - to have more than you need. I am not sure where I learned to associate abundance to selfish hoarding of stuff but thats what I truly thought. Deepak showed me that abundance is to be, do and have a life filled with love, joy. harmony, peace, health and vitality. And I also learned that abundance is not something that ever runs out...that everyone has the opportunity to create their own abundance (from an unlimited source). Abundance isn't a bad thing. It's truly knowing what you need, and getting it. And now when I look back at the past few months and the goals I had set for myself, I'm really living it.

As I look around, a Tchaikovsky symphony is playing on my TV...beautiful pots and pans hang in my kitchen on the new shelf I installed...and my view is of the CN Tower as I type on my thin macbook air. I'm in my pajamas with the heat blasted and smells of my italian wedding quinoa soup I made for the week is fading away replaced with my vanilla scented candles.

In a blink of an eye it seems...just over the past few months that I decided that the best thing to do for myself is to live on my own...I've accumulated stuff and did just that. Thank goodness for my generous friends who gave me furniture and helped me move in and get settled. And thank goodness I've been a pack rat - saving beautiful pictures of my past lives and loved ones and mementos to scatter all around my place.

And you know what, every single item in here I'm truly grateful for. I mean...I think if a hurricane were to come or a thief to take any of this stuff...it really would suck. But considering that it took me only a few months to move into a home with nothing...I will always remember that starting from scratch again...won't be that bad.

I feel comfortable. Everywhere I look triggers a great memory. I feel motivated here to see the perks of stability and plugging into the abundance bubble that is Toronto. Never have I felt at home and want to spend time at home before.

I feel lucky. And you know what? This time it's well deserved.

I still get nightmares of last year or moments in my life where I was completely lost, not knowing what was in store the next day. How I was going to afford life. What I was going to do to make a living. How to stop sleeping on other people's couches. Not knowing if I was going to bleed to death when I went to sleep. Waking up tired or having crazy migraines. If my health would ever allow me to have a family of my own. If it allowed me to live another day. Who I was going to trust not to steal from me. Survival has some interesting challenges but in general its not a fun game. It's no longer a game I want to play. I know, it's true that life is a game. And you really never know when the game is over, it still could be tomorrow or next week or next year or later. Make every moment count. And fill it with abundance.

And really, whats helped me, is to realize that it is in the world's (aka the universe's) (aka everybody's) benefit for you to be a productive member of society and that you have to be the one who wants to take care of yourself. Everybody and everything around you will do anything in their power to help you get where you need to be, standing on two feet. On most days, it's easy to focus on the bad and selfish things that people do to each other. I dare say that it's part of human nature to want to help someone suffering or struggling. That thought alone makes me smile. Because at the core of it, we do want each other to live in abundance.

Now that I'm living in abundance ... I gotta say its not bad.

Letting Go

I can't seem to sleep so I figured I'd write something. I've been starting blog posts but never able to finish them lately - unsure if it's because I lose interest before typing out a thought. Anyway, let's try again!

I feel the theme and lesson I'm grasping now is to stop forcing my will or expectations onto a situation for a desired outcome and being disappointed afterwards. The lesson was really clear last week in improv class where I saw first hand what happens when two people are on the stage and the conversations always lead down a very random/funny/awesome path only if the two people actively listen and support the other person, not steering the conversation their way or disagreeing. It sounds easier than it actually is. Only through this I realize how much of a control freak I am :) But not only me but most people in my improv class struggled with this. When you're put in the spotlight with a very vague subject suggested, the default instinctive way to "succeed" is to plan out your train of thought in your head of how to drive the conversation. However, since both of you are instinctively following the same strategy, you get into a mess if you aren't both on the same page off the bat, each trying to derail the other person and go back to their own train of thought. So ironically, the best way to succeed in improv...and perhaps life...is to actively pay attention to the moment, and decide to work together and support each other, in other words, letting go.

For example, we did an exercise called "Yes and...". Try it out with your partner. Say a sentence, your partner will HAVE to respond with "Yes and..." Not "Yes but" or "Yes, and I don't agree", And you're not allowed to resort to asking questions so that your partner can respond with yes...and any other questions doesn't make much sense to respond with yes. Try and have a 2 minute conversation like this. You'll see quickly how many times you want to say But...or No. Then try again :) My conversation went from houdini to rabbits procreating to reincarnation when I finally learned to let go.

I think the reason why I never understood this lesson before was that I thought Letting Go meant giving up. That you are lazy, not going to try and leaving everything to fate...that you've thrown in the towel. Letting Go simply means, you don't attach yourself to the results. You still have to work really hard. You still have to focus. You still have to learn and improve. You still have to know yourself. You still have to share. Things just might not turn out exactly like you pictured in your head.

I think something else that's valuable to really allow me to start Letting Go...is that I've been through the worst possible scenarios I've ever imagined. Failure, or what I perceived as failure: things not going my way, people not acting the way I wanted them...really hasn't been that bad. Well okay the feelings of disappointment really do suck. But...so far, there hasn't been anything that has killed me or completely destroyed me that I couldn't bounce back from. Hitting rock bottom teaches you one thing - that you know how to get back up on two feet. I have the confidence that I can try and play whatever hand I get dealt. This helps detach from expecting a certain outcome.

Know the other benefit of being able to let go? So much time goes into worrying and anxiety and stress over things you can't control. You really do free up a lot of time when you just do your best and let the cards fall as they will. You actually get time to enjoy the moment instead of worrying about the next moment.

Especially in a beginners improv class, you realize, that everybody is funny or quirky in their own way. The more genuine, relaxed and themselves they are - the better. The more in the moment you are and able to let go and participate in the current topic, you end up enjoying that you have no idea where the conversation will lead. And not knowing where it'll end up is perfectly okay because everyone else is as interested (and laughing) and supportive of the same discovery process.

I'm now convinced its all about the journey not the destination.

The next milestone

So I started this blog 4 years ago with the intention of losing 50 lbs. Well, I've never actually reached that yet nor did I even set a deadline of when I was going to do that. Well that's kind of pointless eh? Lemme correct this by publishing this intent for the world to hold me accountable - Before my 5 year anniversary of this blog, I WILL LOSE 50 lbs. No excuses.

To get me to this goal, I have a few more very measurable and achievable ones that I will definitely need to hit.

1. Work out 5 times a week.
2. Consume home cooked food 15 meals a week. When on travel, stick to goal #4.
3. No alcohol and No cigarettes.
4. Eat healthy fresh food whenever possible - low glycemic index/glycemic load, not processed, low simple carbs - at least 5 times a week.
5. Spend 1 hour to myself offline - 5 times a week.
6. Stay on top of all medical work, appointments, and executing recommendations.
7. No moving apartments, cities, countries for at least a year.
8. Stop going over and beyond the duties of a friend to rescue or save people as I used to.

I have gotten distracted and lost in the past so I'll promise to post a monthly report of my progress. And I need you, my friend, to keep me accoutantable :)

Being alive and healthy can be as easy or as hard as you'd like to make it. I'm definitely grateful for all that has happened to prompt me to start the blog the moment I started living on borrowed time. It's been exhilarating, joyful, painful, and heartbreaking all at the same time. As tough as I think it has been, I know it could have been much worse. I'm lucky to have great friends and great support throughout the years and there's really no reason why I can't achieve this next milestone so we can have another reason to celebrate!

Thank you!

Pendulum of Life

I'm entering my fourth decade in life and feel like I've barely started living. This year was all about testing my limits, getting to know myself and becoming realistic. The one thought that's helped me frame and make sense of everything that happens is to think of my life as a pendulum. So I wanted to share what makes sense to me.

A pendulum has been the most accurate way to tell time until the 1930s when quartz was used instead. Here are the parts - of interest are the frictionless pivot, massless rod, massive weight (name Bob), and the equilibrium position.

You - your mass, your physical body - is suspended from a pivot that swings freely. The experiences you have are a result of forces, momentum and gravity at play - swinging and oscillating back and forth. You'll be swinging as long as you live, what you can control is how much energy you want to put into reacting to natural forces at play like situations that happen or things people do to you. As you move to one side, forces will try and make you return to the equilibrium position, as you reach it, there's velocity that you gain to continue your swing to the other side. No wonder everyone finds it tough to achieve balance...and even when you do, it's not for that long before other forces and pressures happen.

The pivot in which the weight swings on, in my opinion, is your core - your values, your morals, your soul, your spirituality, your beliefs, whatever you wanna call it. As it gets more defined and solidified when growing up, this pivot solidifies making your swings more predictable and determines how much you swing.

Further more, the massless rod that you're suspending from, well when you're born, you have the lightest mass possible in your life and you're connected to your mom by a fragile cord. Your parents nurture you so you're not swinging alone and so that flimsy first cord evolves into a thread which reinforces itself through plenty of experiences. As you grow up and get heavier, you keep upgrading this thread into a string into a climbing rope as you learn how to take care of yourself.

The only way to achieve perfect balance and stillness and connect with your core is to meditate. But it's just short glimpses, probably until you join a monastery and meditate the rest of your life like the Dalai Lama or are trained as a child monk.

There's something called a Foucault pendulum, which swings in in 2 dimensional space with the rotation of the Earth. Swings can be really unpredictable if you have no idea what your core is and you're spineless, directionless and not aware. You can also imagine a Yo-yo as a more difficult pendulum to be as it has the ability to move up and down as well as side to side.

So what's all this mean to me? It means that it's very important in the early years of life to be surrounded and nurtured with love and care and proper education so that your pivot and string are strong enough to swing with. The job of parents, family, community to kickstart this is significant. The age old debate of nature vs nurture can be put to rest with this analogy - nurture plays an important part. Don't fret if you didn't have this growing up, we're in the same boat :)

This realization also shows me that it's pointless to just want the good, the fun, the joy - that for every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction. You need to suffer to appreciate what good is. You need to accept that life is nothing but a bunch of swings and you could choose to roll with it or fight it, but the reality will be what it is. As you become aware of the swings, you can start seeing glimpses into your state of equilibrium as the swings happen.

Long story short - if life is a pendulum, I feel that there are things you can control and things that are out of your control. You can control your weight, your health, your mood and reactions to the ride of life. Everything else, is out of your control so stop worrying about it. Try your best and let life unravel. Set goals for yourself and achieve them. Don't fret about outcomes you can't control or other people's behaviour and reactions. More importantly, that everything is related and equally important - the mind, body and spirit - there are things you can do to keep your pendulum clock ticking in the best possible way.

I'm going to enjoy solidifying my pivot and continue to lose the weight to get my pendulum back into tip top shape. This upcoming year, my goal is to figure out how to keep a balance and hold onto the positivity and thirst for life. Thank you to all my friends who have stood by to watch and support any passion of mine - this time I'm going to take care of myself and not have so many people so worried.

PS. To reach far out there, how do you think different peoples lives relate to each other in this pendulum analogy? Maybe another blog post there :)

Luck is when Opportunity meets Preparation

When life gets you down and you go through something traumatic, it takes time to heal. It's taken a lot of will power to just wake up everyday (sometimes at 5am, other times at 2pm), find things to do (work out, grocery shop, cook, read, drive), and try to be positive and optimistic around people and yourself...and some days it's great and some days it sucks. If you're like me, and you have absolutely no idea what the next steps in life are... what to do, where, how, when - you're kind of in this limbo of a semi-retired life but you're only 30 (and poor) with so much experience, passion and insight to want to create something and stand out...but you don't know how. It also irks you that you're supposed to live each day like it's your last and make the most of it...but you sleep through it and wish the evenings and weekends came faster so there's actually stuff to do with other people. You also set a deadline to stop the moping around...

And right when that deadline hits....

You answer a random email from an old friend from junior highschool about making an app and you meet up, just for something to do..and because there's sushi involved. Then it becomes therapy when the friend turns out to have gone through much worse and for way longer than you have. His travels, his insights, his interests, his values really have mapped him in a really similar seemingly random path as you. Then you decide to collaborate and it comes so naturally. To think, someone that I've never said more than "hello, how are you" and "school sucks" and "aw man i bombed that exam" had way more in common with me than anybody I've ever met. It's really something. This is called luck. :)

Entrepreneurs are a different breed, definitely not too many of them to begin with - and in that subset, it's almost like the wild wild west of business. Loose processes, trusts and hunches and limited resources lead to things that can be good or bad. The risks, big wins and big losses remind me of gambling at casinos. Imagine the type of people that they attract. Everyone sitting at the table to play comes with their own hands of experiences, connections, degrees and money - each believe they have the edge to win. In the pursuit of wealth and success, there's plenty of tricks, traps, broken promises, broken agreements, greed, pride, egos, friendships and relationships to navigate through. Having emotion is a detriment...though having passion helps gets you through. Striving to find win-win situations or putting in all you've got to help someone else can be a thankless pursuit.

On the flip side, you can look at entrepreneurship as an adventure...maybe a quest. At it's core, it's a temporary organization to discover a business model that's repeatable and sustainable. It's about creating value and problem solving. It offers the chance to innovate and also to find intrinsic motivations in people. It's really rewarding to bring people together to learn, collaborate and have fun under the pressure cooker of limited time and resources. There's no map on this adventure, but every time you play, you get better at it - even better when you have more like minded people to join you.

What nobody ever told me was...how much you learn about yourself - your strengths, weaknesses, values and limits throughout this adventure. You learn that failure isn't the end of the world, that there's so much more to learn, that mistakes can't be avoided but can be learned from, and most importantly that sticking to the golden rule reaps more benefits than you can imagine. (Karma really is a b*tch)

You know what, I'd do it over again in a heart beat. From riding the elite Alberta train to Whistler as official media in the Olympics, to having heart to heart talks with my culinary heros Vikram Vij and Jason Bangerter, from raising funding on Kickstarter to publish a book to being covered in the largest newspaper in Vietnam (Tuoi Tre), from selling WiFi to a large national retailer to developing a product with Toronto's first Techstars Boston company - I can't complain about my fun filled past three years of entrepreneurship. I've attributed all of it to luck...or just being open to opportunities.

Anyway, my depression is passing. Things are looking up. I'm so grateful to have some of the best, most loyal and caring friends around who have supported me through my slump(s). Listening to my everyday complaints about first world problems, letting me indulge in not-so-healthy-things that makes me feel better. I'm so grateful for all the food, drinks, and couches and tissues, hugs and the referrals, contract work, introductions and mock interviews. My best decision yet has been to spend the last year in Toronto and realizing that it takes a village of support to get things done and take care of each other instead of doing it alone. Looking around and knowing what I have and what's coming, makes me think I'm the luckiest and most fortunate person I know. Thank you.

3 years is up.

Well the end of June marks 3 years of my crazy journey of leaving the corporate world without any idea of how to start a business, how to work through relationships, how to survive with high uncertainty, and how to take care of myself.

Now that three years has passed, I like to think I'm older and wiser but yet I can't say I've mastered any of those lessons yet. You just gotta keep learning and keep improving over time.

Here's the coles notes of the past 3 years:
Year 1. Started a blog (youcook.ca), got a media pass to get the behind the scenes taste of the Vancouver Olympics, learned how to cook all kinds of food from the best chefs in the world. I found out how hard monetization is and how hard it is to make decisions in uncertainty and how to inspire or demotivate a team.

Year 2. Raised money on Kickstarter to travel to Vietnam to write a book, My Quest for Yummy Banh Mi published and distributed in hotels throughout the country. I got to experience the country where I was born, and see it for myself in my own unique way. Of course there were hardships and pivots but I rolled along... It was my first successful project of a profitable small business.

Year 3. Worked with a super talented team as they went through TechStars. We entered a new space, did customer discovery and applied principals from Lean Startup to build a cool product. It was my first time working with such a smart competent team of friends and to see how important the network of support and trust is to succeed. Being under the pressure cooker of showing hockey stick improvement within 100 days was an unforgettable experience. It was awesome to be behind the scenes, using my past experience and expertise to be able to drive and create something useful and get the early customers too.

(Ok, I've been reminded that I also sailed along the west coast from Vancouver to San Francisco. I helped set up some museums with WiFi. I helped kids find out more about scholarships and studying in Canada. I marketed a photo sharing app and I hosted the first Google+ Hangout On the Air cooking session in the world. My voice plays every night in a hotel in Hoi An to narrate a traditional Cham dance show and I was able to spend time with street kids who were on their way to getting culinary degrees. I lectured about entrepreneurship in one of the best universities in HCMC. I also conquered Machu Picchu and Half Dome and Haleakala and the Vancouver Triathlon.)

So I gave myself three years to just absorb and experience life. I think I did that. I'll probably post again about lessons learned and advice for budding entrepreneurs another time. What's important is that I learned a lot more about myself and maybe other people have learned more about me than I knew :) I'm definitely searching for happiness - which for me is challenging myself and getting thrills out of it, surrounding myself with close friends and family, and having the ability in health and means to keep experiencing life. Now, I can firmly say I know exactly what makes me happy. Now, it's time to do it.

Onwards to the next adventure....details...well tbd.

Thu Step 1

So much is going on in life - I never learn how to deal with stress properly and resort back to my old habits of over eating, over drinking and getting back into old stupid habits.

So trying to make an entry in here, so that I can start again. I'm pretty inspired by those around me who's actively keeping fit, losing weight, being healthy and trying to regain that balance. So why not write about it.

A heavy cloud has lifted a little within a week. It really did break me last week but after the emotions passed, I took a deep breath and kept calm and carried on. I've learned that there's things in my control and things that aren't. So next time something stresses you out:

1. make a list of things that stress you out
2. put it in columns of "things i can control" and "things i can't control"
3. just completely cross out the things i can't control
4. prioritize and check off the things you can do.

As the wise words of UK Government, Keep Calm and Carry On.

Let's pick up the pieces and start moving forward, faster.

Happy 2012!

So I'll keep with tradition and write a post about my goals for 2012.

2011 was a year of growth for me - a year of getting to know myself, pushing boundaries, listening to gut instincts, throwing myself at new challenges, striving to follow through, and completing some life goals.

I realized this year that I'm a serial entrepreneur and finally achieved small successes, mastering the art of pivoting and really liking all the challenges and uncertainty that it comes with. And I finally realized this year that I'm not alone, there's crazy people just like me...in Vietnam and in Toronto. Thank god.

In the process of my adventures there's two things that I let slip through the cracks that I need to work on in 2012:

1) HEALTH. I let it slip this year as I had food, alcohol and cigarettes to comfort me through the crazy year. So I will start from scratch with a cleanse and follow the Hormone Diet to get myself all sorted out again. Hopefully I keep this blog alive as I tell you all about my diet. The smoking has got to go. The alcohol only for a few rare occasions. The food has to be homecooked, healthy and delicious. The triathlon training has got to start.

2) STABILITY. I definitely pushed the envelope of random this year as a serial couch surfer. In my head I can count at least 100 different beds/floor/couch/bus/plane that I've woken up from. This means every 3 days for the year I woke up somewhere else. The advantage of that was that I didn't pay rent this year I guess...but I'm too old for this backpacking couch surfing hippie lifestyle. I couldn't see much further into the future than a day or week or month and I learned to really live in the moment....but...it also caused a lot of stress and conflict. I just want to be able to wake up in the same bed in the same city perhaps 200 days this year. I also want the bank account to go up instead of in a downwards spiral.

And I want to be able to be able to do the triathlon in August and know that 1) I'll be in the right city 2) I can afford it.

That is all. Two things to work on and 365 to do it. No problem.

So I have a feeling that 2012 will be a great year - not without its challenges but hopefully yours will be filled with laughs, love and good stories too!